There have been a few times in my life where I have been mistaken as an intelligent individual. Maybe someone sees me reading something that isn’t Hop on Pop (a rare occurrence – I read a lot of Hop on Pop), or maybe I accidently use a large word I heard in a video game.

These two very true stories are to dispel any myths about my intelligence.

Story One: The Toothpaste Incident

Brushing my teeth is something I do on occasion, and this was one of those occasions. While applying the toothpaste to the bristles of the brush, I was inadvertently pressing down a group of bristles with the tube. Moving the tube of toothpaste off of the bristles created a slingshot out of the toothbrush bristles, launching a small glob of toothpaste right in my eye.

Toothpaste in the eye is a painful experience.

Story Two: The Mouthwash Incident

Often after brushing my teeth, I’ll use mouthwash to really rinse the gunk out of my mouth. Since no one else shares my bottle of off-brand mouthwash I decided what the hell, I’ll go ahead and take a glug straight from the bottle. I sealed my lips over the opening, tipped my head back and took a mouthful. Well, my lip seal was too tight, creating a pressurized bottle of mouthwash. Removing my lips released the pressure, and with it a healthy splash mouthwash was projectiled straight up my nostrils. For a second I was worried. This is going to burn, I thought. After waiting a second, green teeth cleaning liquid dripping off my face, I breathed a sigh of relief for the lack of pain I was feeling.

I use a washcloth to clean off my face, when out of nowhere the stinging starts. My nostrils are on fire. At this point I consider suicide, but decide against it because I feel hunger coming on and killing myself on an empty stomach is an unattractive proposition.

***

In other news, two new articles I’ve written are up. My PS3 review for Fairytale Fights and a new edition of Comics That Don’t Suck. If you love me, you’ll read them!