As most of you probably already know, I work at a book store. An unfortunate side effect of this is that sometimes I end up flipping through books that I would be better off not ever seeing the contents of. I don’t mean things that offend me morally, usually they’re just complete wastes of time that I feel dumber for laying my eyes on. Take for example the semi popular Bad Girls Guide to (whatever) series. My first encounter with these books was some time ago in the travel section with The Bad Girls Guide to the Open Road. I was looking through it to figure out if there was a way for me to not have to shelve it in my travel section (luckily I was able to expedite it to the “humor” section due to the terrible attempt by the book to be funny), and even the few pages I read were enough to make me want to carve off my kneecaps with a hacksaw. I’ve since flipped through a few more of the books in the series, including The Bad Girls Guide to Getting What You Want and The Bad Girls Guide to the Party Life. After the knowledge I’ve gained from these books, I’ve discovered the single most important thing you absolutely must do if you want to be a “bad girl.”

What is this thing, you might ask. What is it that you have to do to go from a kindly, reasonable human being to a sassy, bitchy, sexually independent bad girl? Well, the one thing that each and every one of these books that I’ve looked through had in common is that they all, at least once, recommend that while stopped at a stop light in your car, a cute guy in the car next to you with his window down is an open invitation to throw your panties out of your car window and into his lap. I guess this is supposed to be some kind of sexy tease that makes guys turn to putty in your hands or something. All it means is to me is that from now on at stop lights I will make sure to keep my window up, just in case someone actually bought one of those stupid ass books.